k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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