i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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