the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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