I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
