I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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