If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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