remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
