I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
