So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
