I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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