i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
