God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
