so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
