Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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