Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
