Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
