i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
