we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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