Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
