The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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