I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
