Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
