I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
