That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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