the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
