Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
