he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
