No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
