So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
