Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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