Michael Bay diarrhea
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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