omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
