I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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