I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
