Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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