i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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