Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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