Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she told me i tasted like america
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
