god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
