Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
