that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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