if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
