I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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