There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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