All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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