my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
