We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
