Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I party with great urgency now.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
