sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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