I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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