This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
