so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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