Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
