I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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