Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
