I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is Oprah even human
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
